Referring to Mario and Luigi as the Mario Brothers is really disrespectful to Luigi.

We go to sleep tired, and wake up exhausted.

Maybe the reason ghosts knock things over so much in the night is because they still have the same eyesight they had, and can only see in the dark as well as we can.

The movie theaters are the only entertainment venue where the front row seats are the least desirable seats.

The deep ocean is the most natural habitat for vampires: no sunlight, no wood, no garlic, no vampire hunters, and sperm whales are mammals that have a TON of blood in them

Humanity sent an unsolicited dick-pic, our mix tape and directions to our place as our first contact.

A spider basically has a 3D printer on it's butt.

We normalised the concept or visual of drinking alcohol so much that we don't consider it a recreational drug.

Training to kill people is free (army), but training to save people costs thousands (medical school)

We'll never kill the earth, we'll just kill ourselves off

The highest reward for journalism = killed by CIA

People must get way less paper cuts than 20 years ago due to technological advances

Coffee is technically a recreational drug , but we never look at it that way.

The zoo is the safest place to fart.

Asking a tall person to take something from a tall shelf will give them a sense of accomplishment, but asking a short person to take something on the ground because they are nearer will be an insult.

There are teachers who teach other teachers how to teach teachers

Most men buried wearing a suit were not suit-wearers when they were alive.

Someone is dying to move to the country you're dying to move out of.

Our two most standard ice cream flavors are beans

We somehow have pictures of the Milky Way galaxy despite the farthest spacecraft we’ve launched barely even leaving our solar system

As a kid, teenagers seemed so big and scary because in most TV shows they were actually played by adults in their 20s.