Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

https://redd.it/1wuv79h
@r_jokes

A drunk guy comes home late one night...

His wife asks, "where were you?" He replies, "at the cemetery."

"Oh, really, huh, who died?" She questioned.

"Everybody," he says.

https://redd.it/1wuvgl7
@r_jokes

Three mice are sitting at a bar having a few drinks. The first mouse says, "I am the biggest baddest mouse in the whole world. When I see a mouse trap I run up and eat the food while doing a workout with the bar."

The second mouse says, "That's nothing, when I see rat poison I take home with me. I sprinkle it all over the place, and even sprinkle some on my food."

The third mouse slides off his bar stool and starts to walk out. The first two mice shout out to him, "Hey, where you goin? Don't you want to hang out with the two biggest, baddest mice in the whole world?"

And the third mouse looks back and says, "Nah. I'm goin' home to fuck the cat."

https://redd.it/1wv3vo9
@r_jokes

My therapist said to write letters to people I hate and then burn them

I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

https://redd.it/1wv3r9c
@r_jokes

The police blotter in the local paper.

All the toilets were stolen from the police station. They have nothing to go on.

The wheels were stolen from all the police cars. They are working tirelessly to find them.

Someone drilled a hole in the wall around the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.

1,000 wigs were stolen from a wig shop. Police are combing the area.

Police found 12 bottles of whisky in a cardboard box. They don't know who the owner is but are working diligently on the case.

The cops arrested a dwarf fortune teller; last night he escaped. Now they are searching for a small medium at large.

Someone stole a truckload of viagra. Police are looking for group of hardened criminals.

https://redd.it/1wv5tmg
@r_jokes

I can't tell a lie

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "Excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer looks around and says "I only have room for one of you." Washington looks around at his 100 men and points to a young soldier.

"Peters! You were wounded badly in that last battle and kept fighting. You deserve it. Step inside." Peters steps up, and stays with the farmer for the night. Now without one of their bravest buddies, the men feel as depressed as ever, and have no place to stay. Washington and his battered soldiers continue marching.

Eventually they find a brothel. Washington knocks on the door excitedly and the head mistress answers. "Excuse me ma'am, my men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night? We can pay." The mistress closes the door for a moment. She excitedly turns around to all the prostitutes. "It has been months of no business girls. No men and no action. But we have a whole caravan of handsome young soldiers to service here! Get ready!" The girls giggle excitedly and begin to primp for all the soldiers, having gone months with no business.

The mistress opens the door and says to George, "We'd be happy to put you up! How many of you are there?"

Washington turns around and looks at his men, and says "Well, 99 without Peters." The mistress says,

"You've gotta be shitting me."

https://redd.it/1wvgq97
@r_jokes

Why I use self checkout

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 10."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 10."

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was beyond cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checkout girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 10!"

https://redd.it/1wvfbab
@r_jokes

For most people when you lose your “khakis” your pant are missing. But when you’re from Boston and you lose your “khakis” …

you can’t start your car…

https://redd.it/1wvlsk2
@r_jokes

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

https://redd.it/1wvpqy2
@r_jokes

A woman is trying on a sexy new dress...

A woman is trying on a sexy new dress when she turns to the sales clerk and asks, "What do you think? Is it too low-cut?"

"That depends," was the reply. "Do you have hair on your chest?"

"No, of course not!"

"Well, then it may be a little too low-cut."

https://redd.it/1wvt6xv
@r_jokes

A guy went to see the movie 'Back to the Future' in a theater in Alabama. Afterwards, he tells his buddy, "As I was watching, I remember thinking, 'Oh my God, that guys is going to have sex with his own mom!'"


"Fortunately, before they were able to do it, an usher came over and threw them both out."

https://redd.it/1wvv665
@r_jokes

A guy tells his buddy, "Listen. You aren't going to have any friends left if you keep making jokes about ghosts having sex with owls."

And his buddy says, "Well boo fuckin' hoo."

https://redd.it/1wvz09f
@r_jokes

Teed off

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

https://redd.it/1ww62h9
@r_jokes

A Train Conductor was Sentenced to Death for Throwing School Kids Off the Train While it waa Moving

For his last meal, he choose a banana.


"Just a banana? You can have anything you want, Lobster, Steak, Caviar - and you just want a banana?"


"Yes, just a banana", he replies. So the executioner gets a banana, lets him eat it, and straps him in. After last rites and final words, the executioner flips the switch and nothing. He unstraps the prisoner and sends him back to his cell while an electrician checks everything. It's all in order.


So, the next day, the executioner says, "Well, under the law, it's the next day so I have to give you another last meal, are you still satisfied with a banana?"


"Yes, a banana will be fine". So he duly hands over a banana, goes through last rites and final words again, and flips the switch. Again, nothing. Unbelievable. So he checks the straps and the electrodes, make sure the prisoner didn't use the banana peel as an insulator or something to prevent being electrocuted, finds nothing so sends him back to his cell.


The next day, he enters the cell again and addresses the prisoner. "Under law, I am obliged to grant you any reasonable request for a last meal, but nothing says I can't inspect the meal carefully to eliminate risk befoee giving it to you. So I took a banana, X-rayed it, peeled it, mashed it and tested it for any unusual chemicals. Nothing! It's just a banana, so here's your bowl of banana."


The prisoner just shrugs, eats and and calmly sits in the chair. Without bothering to wait, the executioner flips the switch. Nothing!


"Unbelievable! There is a very old law from more religious times that says if the state fails to execute a prisoner three times, it's a sign that God considers this a miscarriage of justice, and we must free you to avoid the qrath of Gos. In several centuries, this law has never been used, so I am obliged to free you. But I am dying to know, how did you use the banana to save yourself, even after I went to such lengths to make sure there was nothing hidden in it?"


"Oh. It had nothing to do with the banana - I'm just a bad conductor."



https://redd.it/1wwbck8
@r_jokes

My friend asked me how I got two black eyes

I told him at church the lady in front of me had her dress tucked between her ass cheeks. I felt bad for her so I untucked it. She turned around and punched me in the eye.

So my friend asked me then how I got the other black eye. I told him that when I saw she didn't like it, I put the dress back between her cheeks.

https://redd.it/1ww95v3
@r_jokes

A Scotsman opens a bottle of whisky and a genie appears

He begins speaking

'At last! I have been waiting for some time for this moment. I will grant you three wishes, my good man, but only three. Choose wisely!'

The Scotsman contemplates this for a moment then replies.

'Aye, I've only got the one'


'Are you sure, good sir?' The genie asks

'Aye,' the Scotmans continues, 'just the one'

'As you wish. And what would that be?' The genie enquires

The Scotsman answers 'For ye tae git OOTA MA FOCKIN WHISKY YE MANKY BASTARD YE!'

https://redd.it/1wwaldy
@r_jokes

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

https://redd.it/1wwhkjp
@r_jokes

A Portuguese man goes to the doctor...

​

\- Mr. Silva, you’re in very good shape for a 40-year-old.

\- And who said I’m 40?

\- How old are you?

\- I just turned 57 in March.

\- No way! And how old was your father when he died?

\- And who said my father died?

\- Oh, sorry. How old is your father?

\- The old man is 81.

\- 81?! That’s great! And how old was your grandfather when he died?

\- And who said he died?

\- I’m sorry. How old is he?

\- 103, and he still rides a bicycle.

\- That’s wonderful! And your great-grandfather? What did he die of?

\- And who said he died? He’s 124 and he’s getting married next week.

\- Now that’s too much! — says the doctor, annoyed.

\- Why would a 124-year-old man want to get married?

\- And who said he wanted to get married? He didn’t want to… but he got the girl pregnant!

https://redd.it/1wwm78n
@r_jokes

Duck gender reveal

How do you know if a duck is a male or a female?

​You throw a piece of bread at it:

​If he eats it, it's a male.

​If she eats it, it's a female.

https://redd.it/1wwonpw
@r_jokes

A well dressed man walks into a bar with a salami sandwich taped to his head. He asks the bartender for a beer.

As the bartender is serving the beer he asks the man, " I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Why do you have a salami sandwich taped to your head?"

"My family has a proud tradition. We all always wear sandwiches tape to our heads on Tuesdays."

"Today is Monday."

"Oh my! I must look like such an idiot!"

https://redd.it/1wwvvvn
@r_jokes