U.S.—Citing confusion around their past support for Black Lives Matter, Planned Parenthood has launched a new campaign, "Born Lives Matter," to make sure people understand black lives only matter after they've been born.

Whenever a national tragedy occurs, the most important thing we can do is immediately jump online to fight with our political opponents!

NEW YORK, NY—The New York Times has attacked The Babylon Bee, apparently jealous of the satire site's superior rate of accuracy when it comes to its stories.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Howard University has announced a very special virtual event that will be broadcast to college students this week. One of the hotly anticipated discussions will feature Kamala Harris and Harvey Weinstein as they talk about empowering…

U.S. - American voters expressed concern for President Biden's health this week after a viral video showed him tumbling down the stairs, off a cliff, and into a pit full of alligators.'Woah-- these stairs weren't here before! Wooahhh!' exclaimed Biden before…

“While both governors have worked very hard at handling the COVID pandemic as poorly as possible, sadly there can only be one winner,” said Guinness Book Of World Records spokesman Kyle Mansfield.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Joe Biden yesterday said that women can do everything men do exactly the same or even better. And now, the (former) president is putting his money where his mouth is by stepping aside in favor of female VP Kamala Harris.Many had called…

U.S.—Service stations across the country have begun widening their signs in preparation for higher gas prices, sources confirmed Thursday.

So there’s this press conference where this Megan Rapinoe is complaining she’s not getting paid the same for doing the same work as a man. So I’m like, 'Well, what kind of work is she doing?' Now, she's got purple hair like some character from one of those…

U.S. - Dozens of 15-year-old boys' soccer teams across the country have demanded equal pay to the women's national team, since they are competitive with the women and even beat them from time to time.'It's only fair,' said high-schooler Aiden Benton. 'This…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At Biden's first press conference today, most of the questions were thoughtful and pointed, with reporters asking things like "Why are you so amazing?" and "We demand you tell us your secret to being so incredible!"

HYRULE CASTLE—Politician and sword control activist Ganondorf once again made a plea to the people of Hyrule today, calling for common-sense Master Sword control.

WASHINGTON D.C.—In the daily list of brand new things suddenly thought to be racist, the Senate’s filibuster has been added, making it the 83,456,718,514th thing to recently be revealed as racist that no one gave even two thoughts about mere months…

U.S.—In a controversial new episode of Sesame Street, the puppets try to teach kids about social justice and inequality by having Elmo join Antifa and torch some local businesses.

MARS - Bernie Sanders recently attacked Elon Musk for wanting to spread man's enlightened conscious souls among the stars. While Musk admitted he might have been high when he wrote that tweet, he extended an olive branch to the Vermont senator, offering to…

BEND RIVER, OR - Gary and Ryan are work friends. Gary thinks there's probably a God out there somewhere, though he's not sure if it's the Christian God or not. Honestly, he just doesn't think about it very much. Ryan, however, is a passionate atheist.The…

RICHMOND, VA—Governor Ralph Northam signed into law this week a historic piece of legislation that bans the death penalty for every crime in the state of Virginia, except for being an unwanted baby.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The dynamic duo is at it again!Former President Barack Obama visited his old buddy Joe Biden at the White House today for the first time. The two threw back a few beers in the Oval Office, reminiscing on the good old days when they opposed…

The filibuster has always been a racist tool of white supremacy and oppression.We just didn't say anything until now.Along with the filibuster, we found nine OTHER things that are also racist, and we always considered them to be racist. We just didn't want…

EGYPT—When massive shipping container vessel the Ever Given got stuck, authorities had no idea how they were going to free it and get traffic moving through the Suez Canal again. But then one of them had a great idea: he called a Chick-fil-A location…

BEAVERTON, OR - Sneaker manufacturer Nike has graciously reached out to the Biden administration with an offer to house thousands of unaccompanied migrant children at their factories around the globe.'Nike is committed to being a good corporate citizen. We…