I was walking down the street this morning and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn.
I think it was an orchestrated attack.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My wife insists the Bible is placed next our bed whenever we make love.
This ensures we do it by the book.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I told my friend this dark joke were a man and his wife only had sex with the lights off.
It was so the guy could use a dildo to please is wife. But then she turns the lights on, and is like, “Explain the dildo.” And he’s like, “Explain the kids.”

So I finish and my friend said, “That really wasn’t that dark of a joke.”

And I said, “Were you not listening? The lights were off.”

#other@Sickipedia

In college, I thought it was ok to drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of pot.
But cocaine…. is where I drew the line.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Did you hear about the prostitute that became an accountant?
It's the thot that counts.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I went to the library and asked if they had any books on turtles.
The librarian asked, “Hardback?”

I replied, “Yes. Little heads too.”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What's the difference between an artist and an extra large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of 4.

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I saw a brunette walking her dogs. I asked: "What are your dogs' names?"
She: "Calvin and Klein."

Me: "Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

She: "Exactly, they're boxers."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

If a deaf person has to go to court...
It is still called a hearing?

#wordplay@Sickipedia

If I had a nickel for every woman who found me unattractive...
Eventually women would find me attractive.

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

My wife left me a note on the fridge saying, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her, “On what day will I die?”
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.

“Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.

“Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

Did you know that you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

IKEA have started selling women’s underwear.
Their range of bras are called stoppemfloppen.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Google announced a major breakthrough in quantum computing.
This is really great news. And at the same time it's really bad news.

#other@Sickipedia